this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
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