Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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