Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
