Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
