I think i peed on brittanys purse
where am i from again
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
