He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize
