I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
foreskin is a definite game changer
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
