then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
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