Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Someone signed my nipple.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
