I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Sorry about my life...
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
