next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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