I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
