I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
