Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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