He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
This couple is walking their pig around campus
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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