But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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