You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
