Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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