Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Of course I have a pirate flag
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
