did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
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