I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
