I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
