I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Randomize
