i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
