somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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