I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
