Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I deserve to be covered in dicks
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
