She's JV to your varsity
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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