I faked an abortion last night.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
