You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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