he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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