It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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