i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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