I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
