I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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