my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
