so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
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