I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
