Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
