Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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