i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Randomize
