I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
