clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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