Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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