I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Randomize
