im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
