I puked a lego.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
