Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
