Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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