So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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